MEDITATION COMPLICATION

JUST BREATHE IN (note: It’s not as easy as it sounds.) Somewhere in Dan Harris’s How to be Ten Percent Happier, he refers to a conversation in which his wife is asked by an acquaintance how meditating has changed her husband. Her assessment? “It made him less of an asshole.” I love Dan Harris’s book. And I’d definitely like to be ten percent happier. Or five percent. Or two. I’d settle for whatever percent would allow me to calm down, be more productive and behave better. It doesn’t seem like too much to ask. In pursuit of this goal I plunked myself into a slouchy version of a lotus position on the sofa and activated the Ten Percent Happier app installed on my phone by my ever-optimistic son, Ben. After two breaths I started thinking about the shredded fabric on the couch cushions. We really should replace the twenty-year-old sectional but what if we move into a smaller house? Or a condo? Or an assisted living facility? What would we do with a new couch? I remembered Dan’s advice then. If thoughts creep into your mind, just start over. I start over. Breathe in. Breathe out. This time I make it through three breaths before I start thinking about dinner. It’s only a couple of hours away. What will we have? I have, for the eleventymillioneth time failed to buy the ingredients for the Mediterranean diet recipes I’ve collected. Our choices are scrambled eggs and freeze dried bacon or grilled cheese and tomato soup. I decide to warm up a frozen pizza. Uh-oh. Breathe-in. Breathe-out. Breathe… Why didn’t I get some work done on my book today? At least I could have started decorating for Christmas. What’s with the two naps and hours spent searching the internet for a shoe rack that looks like living room furniture and costs less than thirty dollars? Breathe-in. Breathe out. I should have taken a walk earlier. It’s getting colder and windier and perilously close to the time I have to preheat the oven for the pizza. Should I call one-day blinds? Our house is a fishbowl. The blinds in the bedroom have been there for forty years – longer than we have. Can I get new blinds before the kids come home for Christmas? Can I do it for thirty bucks? Breathe-in. Breathe-out. I wonder what Trump’s been up to today. Oh, wait! It’s four- o’clock. I don’t have to wonder. I can turn on Deadline: White House and find out. Yay! I turn off the app and promise myself I’ll meditate more tomorrow. After all, according to Dan Harris, even one minute a day makes a difference, although I’m pretty sure I wasn’t doing it long enough to become less of an asshole.